I know almost nobody reads this blog, but I still feel like I should apologize in advance for this post, because it definitely isn’t the snarky humor I usually go for in my nonfiction posts. But I won’t apologize. Here’s the thing…what’s a blog for, except to say all of the thoughts running around inside your head? And I’ve got a lot of ugly thoughts that I need to put down on paper.
(Okay, cue snark.)
College really, really hasn’t started out the way I imagined it would, or the way I hoped it would, or – this one most of all – the way I planned it would. The way I planned it, the way I dreamed of it…I was going to be at the top of my class in computer science with a perfect 4.0 GPA (yes, I know it’s hard, no, I don’t care – I’ll work as hard as I have to, to make it happen), I was going to participate in a whole slew of clubs to add to my resume, I was going to land an internship, and I was going to still pursue my many other extracurricular/professional interests on the side, at the same time.
Well…I didn’t completely fail.
I do have a 4.0 GPA, technically. But I’ve also got three incompletes from last quarter – postponed finals that still need to be taken. So that GPA is going to plunge miserably – and it’s going to plunge fast. I’m now a paid blogger, but it isn’t exactly the CS internship I’d dreamed of, even if it does help pad my resume for my query letters. I do still write music and novels, avidly so (novel #12 currently in the works) – despite everything. Clubs, though? And being at the top of the class?
Ha. I wish.
My migraines have gotten worse. Worse. That’s hard for me to say, hard to admit even to myself, especially knowing how last quarter went. It’s scary, wondering what this quarter will be like. In a lot of ways, it’s got to be better, because at least I’m not on magnetic shock therapy anymore (long story), and at least that means I won’t be suicidal again (another long story).
The thing about migraines…it feels as though trying to think, trying to do anything, is like trying to walk with weights on your legs. It’s a struggle, every day, all the time, every single hour and minute and second, and it’s painful. Especially when it’s twenty-four-seven, like mine. And there’s so many side effects besides the pain – loss of vision, tremors so bad I can’t write, dizziness and nausea and all sorts of other, fun things. And it’s holding me back. Keeping me from doing what I need to do if I’m going to be where I need to be to chase all of my dreams and have even the smallest shot at making them come true.
I’ve had these dreams since I was tiny. Age seven? Four? Five? Somewhere in that time span. I’m not going to let them die like this. Life can throw everything it likes at me, and I’m still going to kick back, and keep fighting. I try to hide the pain from everybody, I try to be the girl that always smiles…and it’s hard sometimes. But I’ll keep doing it anyway, no matter how many failed treatments and nasty side effects the doctors put me through, no matter how many times the people I trust end up stabbing me in the back.
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. But life is unfair, and anger and frustration is part of what you get – the price of happiness. And in the end, as long as I can come out of this alive and kicking, it’ll all be worth it. It’ll all be okay.
Yeah, I don’t know exactly what I’m doing with this post. So I’ll just put this gif here instead of trying for some deep concluding paragraph, because the reality is that I just feel very alone and very fucked over and very much in pain, and there isn’t anything deep about that. All that exists is being kicked in the teeth over and over by life, and kicking back, and making it out alive somehow – and that’s what I say when I’m not feeling cynical.
That’s all for today.
Oh, and just as a bonus,
because I’m honestly angry enough at the pain right now that I’m in one of those let me just step forward, take over the world, and show everybody who’s boss kind of moods.